|Leonard - General Master of Sabbaths
||[Feb. 15th, 2017|01:01 am]
Despite what it says on my LinkedIn account my knowledge of demonology and the ways of the Left Hand Path is primarily derived from old comic books and Penthouse forum letters. So maybe I'm missing something in the Gematria but it seems someone on this list of the Damned's High Command got screwed when they were handing out names to the Fallen. I refer of course to Leonard - General Master of Sabbaths.|
I mean seriously how exactly does a "Leonard" find himself hanging out with the whole Paradise Lost gang in the first place?
SCENE: Lucifer on his burning throne summons his Rebel Angels to gather before him, where they will be named and given rank in his new kingdom.
Lucifer: Alright, let's make this quick people, I ain't got forever here...
Infernal Attendant leans over to whisper in Lucifer's ear
Lucifer:... okay, yes technically I DO have forever here but that ain't the point. The point is I'm a busy guy with a lot on his plate. I gotta invent language, bury a bunch of fake dinosaur bones, win a fiddling contest, and plot to overthrow the Almighty. Which means in order to keep things running smoothly I'm going to have to delegate some of my responsibilities. That's where you mooks come in. I mean look, I can't just be appearing out of a puff of smoke whenever some asshole utters some butchered Latin and Hebrew expecting me to pop out of a cloud of smoke and make them invincible with X amount of wishes.
Well, I'll tell you this for free. I sure as shit didn't become the boss of Hell so I could do shit-work for the mortals and I sure as fuck didn't bring you all along with me for the company so here's the deal. When I call out your name you step up, receive your ranking sigil, do a little bow, and then get your ass to making this organization ready for Armageddon Time. Okay?
Rebel Angels murmur discontent.
Lucifer: I said 'OKAY'?
Rebel Angels through fakes smiles answer OKAY as one.
Lucifer: There we go... now who's up first? You, dude with the head of a cow.
Lucifer: I like your attitude, you're gonna be my Prince of the Land of Tears.
Lucifer (laughing): This fucking guy over here. You're killing me, okay... next we got... you the dog with wings.
Lucifer: Marquis of Hell. Next... uh, you naked dude with the head of a cat.
Nickar: I am NICKAR!
Lucifer: Right, uh, I'm gonna make you...
Lucifer: Ohhhhkay, Nickar... you're, shit, you're just Nickar. Think you can handle that?
Lucifer: Great, let's see naked guy on a bear playing the trombone you're a Prince. Viking guy riding an alligator...
Sallos: Crocodile, m'lord.
Sallos: It's a crocodile not a...
Lucifer: Hey! I didn't invent language so you could get pedantic with me. I was going to make you the General Master of Sabbaths, which is only the sweetest job on the list, but you had to go and run your mouth. Now you get to be just a Great Duke of Hell, while the Master of Sabbaths title goes to the guy next you... you, yeah, fancy pants with the coat-hanger horns.
Leonard: Yes, Your Royal Infernalness.
Lucifer: What's your name...
Leonard: My friends call me Lenny... well if I had any friends that is. Funny thing was I didn't even know you fellows were going to overthrow the Almighty. I thought the whole rebellion was just a support group for angels with self-confidence. Next thing I know... here I am. One of you guys.
Lucifer: Yeah, that's... great. Okay, Leonard, you're my General Master of Sabbaths. Your job is going to be to lead the witch orgies and help future rock stars get their hands on fatal amounts of cocaine.
Sallos: Aw, man...
Lucifer: Well... 'Lenny' think you can handle that?
Leonard: Actually I was really hoping for something in accounting.
Lucifer: Sorry but I already got a numbers guy. So what's it gonna be 'Lenny'? You my Sabbath guy or are you going to be Leonard General Master of Cleaning out Hell's Shithouse?
Lucifer: Alright, now what we got next? You ostrich face...